PAGBABAGO

It is amazing how vivid the memories still are even after six years. Six years ago, I took a leap of faith into the world of motherhood.

This unexpected journey is against all my Tauruean sense of practicality and stability. It goes against every grain of my belief not to plunge into the unknown without taking a dip first.

But I did go through it, took the plunge and all, and emerged as a doting mother, not without the accompanying ‘tummy-novela’ of course.

My journey started on the first month of my pregnancy. I was confused, to say the least. With no plans of having a baby in the immediate horizon, I was at a loss. I honestly haven't prepared myself for the introduction of this new life. I was caught by the winds of change flat-footed.

I am financially and emotionally unqualified for this pregnancy. Besides, the pain of motherhood, literally speaking, still haunts me from my college days when we were shown very graphic videos of natural birthing.

For the next days, I embark on an emotional rollercoaster that can rival that of Enchanted Kingdom’s Space Shuttle. Yes, I have concerned terminating it “spontaneously.” It didn’t work because maybe, the effort to expunge the tiny creature is half-hearted. And maybe, just maybe, my baby’s will to live and be born is overwhelmingly strong that all my efforts are negated.

Weighing all the odds and heading the advice of wiser indviduals, I decided to keep the baby. It has already made itself very comfortable in its corner in my universe.

The moment I’ve decided to keep the baby, it is as if a dark ominous cloud lifted to reveal the golden sun. The ray of sunshine is most welcome. Days seem to be brighter, and the nights, more loving. I’m in a daze. I’m walking on clouds. Everything fell to its place.

Of course the moment I knew I was pregnant, I knew that I have to stop eating the deliciously sinful dinuguan of Goldilocks and switch to a more healthy lumpiang sariwa. I have to admit that I am not a very adventurous eater, so weaning myself away from the familiar dinuguan was a bit hard at first.

And letting go of the familiar and embracing the unfamiliar change in one’s life, such as becoming a mother for the first time, takes courage. Change may be the only thing constant in the world, but it is also one of the hardest things to accept at times.